What Happens at a Jewish Wedding?
An old joke asks:
What do you get when you put 12 Jews in a Room?
Answer - 13 opinions...
With that understanding, it is perhaps clearer that there is no such thing as a "Jewish Wedding." There are weddings of Jews, and most of them have certain elements in common, but there are vast differences among them. Some weddings are barely distinguishable from gentile ceremonies. Others, with a few technological modifications, could be mistaken for 17th century ceremonies.
Our wedding will incorporate most of the more traditional elements of a Jewish wedding, with a few modern twists.
In preparation for our wedding day, we will probably each go to the Mikvah. In this ritual bath, we will be totally submersed in pure rainwater. All dirt, clothing and jewelry are removed beforehand, to ensure complete contact with the water. This is done to achieve a purification and separation between what was before and what is to come.
Ritual items
On the wedding day, many ritual items will be on hand. To some these will be very familiar, while to others, including many Jews, they will be new.
Chuppah - A canopy under which the wedding occurs. Our chuppah is made of silk squares painted by our family and friends, sewn together by David's mother and supported on poles made by David's father.
Kippah - Also referred to as a yarmulke in Yiddish, this head covering has been used for hundreds of years, and was historically worn by all Jewish men at all times, as a sign of humility before God. Today, its use is more limited among men, while many women choose to wear kippot. We have provided a kippah for each or our guests, and encourage you to keep them.
Ketubah - This document is the official contract of marriage. Its Aramaic text has been fixed by ancient custom for centuries, and provides detailed rules for support and care for the bride. While the traditional text is immutable, we have included our own English text, including egalitarian language and our promises to each other. It will be displayed after its signing. A note on signing - tradition requires that at least two unrelated Jewish men witness the acceptance of the Ketubah by the groom. While we respect tradition, and will have the witnesses required by Jewish law, we will have two female witnesses as well.
Tannai - The Ketubah is a wonderful time-tested document. Its only fundamental flaw is its inherent inequality between men and women. According to Jewish law, in those unfortunate cases where a couple has been unhappy in their marriage, and chooses to dissolve it, the husband is in complete control. In order for the woman to be free to remarry, the man must grant to her a get, the document of divorcement. There was no means by which a woman could compel a man to grant her a get, and many sad stories are told of the results of this inequality. In response, modern Judaism has created the tannai. A prenuptial agreement that supplements the ketubah, the tannai provides severe monetary penalties when a marriage has broken down and a man refuses to grant his wife a get. We have chosen to express support for egalitarian marriage rights, and will enter into a tannai.
Kittel -
Hundreds of years
ago, virtually all Jewish men wore kittels on their
wedding days. After all, the white gown of the bride symbolizes
purity and a new beginning; why should such a wonderful concept
be prohibited to men. Don't worry, a man doesn't have to wear a dress
– a kittel is a white robe which goes over the man's shirt and
pants. By wearing a kittel David will get out of wearing
a suit jacket or tux to his wedding.
A Jewish man wears a Kittel
on four
occasions - each year on Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, when
he starts the year afresh, with his sins absolved by God; when he
leads the Passover seder in his home, cleaned of all
chametz (leavened bread); on his wedding day; and to his
grave.
Before
the Chuppah
Surprisingly, a great deal of the ceremony occurs before the ritual under the chuppah.
Many Jewish events begin with either a study of Torah or schmoozing. A wedding begins with both, at the same time. In the kabbalat panim, or "welcoming faces", the wedding party splits into the groom's guests, traditionally all male; and the bride's guests, who were, surprise, surprise, traditionally all female. We encourage our guests to join whichever party they choose.
In the groom's room, he will be attempting to give a Dvar Torah - literally "words of Torah" - a discussion of the parasha, the weekly bible portion. While he is trying to talk, the guests at the chossen's tish (groom's table) attempt to disturb and distract in as many creative ways as possible. What at first glance seems puzzling is easily explained. These disturbances are meant as a leveler of men. Pity the poor, nervous, son-of-a-milkman groom who tries to follow in the footsteps of the rabbi's son, whose Dvar Torah, at his wedding the previous week, was the talk of the shtetl. What better tradition to make all equal than to tease and joke with all equally. Anyone choosing to join David in the groom's room should come prepared to tease mercilessly. Oy, I can't believe I'm asking for this.
Meanwhile, the bride's guests are engaged in hakhnasset kallah, the attending of the bride. They are far more civilized, and entertain her with song, dance and mirth, while she sits in a chair decorated with flowers. All the bride's guests should come prepared to make her merry.
After David attempts, and presumably fails, to deliver his Dvar Torah, comes the true heart of the legal ceremony. After the teasing stops, the rabbi formally asks the groom if he accepts the marriage contract. Since this is a true contract, in all senses, he must give and receive compensation. He must commit himself to ownership of the Ketubah. He does this by giving some token object, such as a handkerchief, in exchange for the ketubah. Then he "lifts up" the Ketubah, to signify his ownership of it and to acknowledge his commitment to the responsibilities it contains. This ritual, the kinyan, is one of the three means by which a man weds a woman: by contract; by a gift of value to her, such as a ring; or by private contact with her. In a belt-and-suspenders approach, marriages contain all three, and each one of them is witnessed. At this point the witnesses sign the ketubah, certifying that the groom agreed to its terms.
Once the witnesses have signed the ketubah, the groom and his party parade, with music and dance, in to the bride. Finally he gets to see her, but only for a moment. No sooner does he set eyes on her than he places a veil on her. This ceremony, the bedeken, hearkens back to the lesson learned by our ancestor Jacob - make sure you are marrying the right woman.
Properly veiled, the bride and her party, as well as the groom and his party, proceed to the chuppah.
Under
the Chuppah
Now that the kallah (bride) and the chatan, (groom) are under the chuppah, they have entered a separated and sanctified space. In a ritual that has been misunderstood by many, the bride (escorted by her mother and mother-in-law) circles the groom seven times. In doing so, she and she alone envelops the groom, sets the two of them aside from all others and protects him from evil, and binds her to him and him to her.
Blessings abound. Among the many blessings of the kiddushin are:
One or two rings are given. More traditional couples prefer a "single ring" wedding, in which only the bride receives a ring, fearing that the reciprocal giving of rings invalidates the entire arrangement. We do not share this fear.
Although the statements by the bride and groom of their vows to each other are not a part of ancient custom, they are a nice modern touch. We each will learn of the other's vows at the same moment as our guests do.
Remember the ketubah? that document meant for the bride. It still belongs to the groom. This needs to be remedied. After the reading of the ketubah by the rabbi, she hands it to the groom, who in turn hands it to the bride. She now owns it, and she keeps it.
Finally, the part everyone is waiting for. The Rabbi takes a wine glass, wraps it in cloth and hands it to the groom, who then places it on the ground and smashes it underfoot. Many trees have been cut to provide the paper for the discourses written about this: it's a ritual defloration; it symbolizes the ascendancy of the spiritual over the material; and, the most accepted by scholarly sources, it reminds us of the destruction of the temple, and our commitment to our history, at all times. Whatever the interpretation, the breaking glass is entirely customary and essentially nonreligious. But it is an ancient practice that most people equate with a Jewish Wedding and look forward to so the rejoicing can begin. The instant the glass is broken, shouts of "Mazel Tov" (good fortune) are heard, and the guests sing:
Si-man Tov u-ma-zal tov, u-ma-zal tov v-si-man tov
Ye-hay la-nu
Ye-hay la-nu, ye-hay la-nu
U-l-chol Yis-ra-el
After the Chuppah
In recognition of the change in status of the couple, they are given time alone. The yichud is symbolic of the freedom they have to share each other's company. After all, according to halacha (Jewish law), a man and woman who are not married or in one of a narrow set of familial relationships such as father and daughter are forbidden to remain in the same room alone together. This too must be witnessed. We've waited 6 years to be alone together, and I'm sure we'll figure out what to do with the time!
Now the dancing can begin!
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Last modified: Tue Jan 4 00:59:39 EST 2000